Spiritual Awakening

I've been feeling troubled and a bit lost this past week, and so as I stepped into the church this evening, I was ready to listen, ready for some guidance. The Gospel tonight told the story of Jesus healing the paralyzed man (Mark 2:1-12). I've always known that story, but listening to the priest's homily gave it new meaning for me. He told us this story about when he went to the doctor to have his injured ankled checked out, and the first thing that the doctor asked him was, "Do you pray?" Such a strange thing to ask anyone, yet even stranger to ask this of a priest. The paralyzed man was brought to Jesus to have his physical body healed, but the first thing that Jesus told the man was, "Son, your sins are forgiven" (Mark 2:5). We often go to Him to help us with one particular problem we are facing, when really, He wants to heal us completely. Jesus recognized in that man something more in need of healing than just his physical ailments alone... the man was seeking healing of a spiritual nature.

It really struck a chord with me to hear this story at this point in time; I have always managed to hear the right story, the perfect message, when I most needed it, and tonight was no exception. It does not always happen when I am at church; I am always listening for messages wherever I am. I do not claim to be very religious, but I do consider myself to be spiritual, and when I find meaning in something, I do not easily ignore it. Tonight, I was intent on gaining some sort of ground after feeling so swept up by everything that has been occurring in my life right now, and I could think of no better place to get centered and back in touch with my inner spirit than in the house of God.

I have always felt as though I was paralyzed by my anxiety and my emotions; my rational mind has always been capable enough to help me get by, but it never seemed to understand why I struggled so much to do even the seemingly simplest tasks. Over time, my physical body also suffered, and I could no longer ignore that there was something I had to do in order to gain some solid ground for myself.

These past few weeks, I have come to realize that what I have needed in addition to, and really, more so than any physical, emotional, or psychological healing is spiritual healing, and tonight just confirmed that for me. My soul has yearned for some sense of meaning and purpose in this life, and though my curiosity and passion have led me down some very meaningful, amazing, and sometimes strange paths toward this greater understanding, I recognize that there is a sense of self that I have not quite grasped even still to this day. My desire to "know" is just as powerful as any physical hunger or thirst that I have experienced.

Also, tonight I heard a message of love and forgiveness, finding a new way of being in relationship with others. Again, it was just perfect... exactly what I needed to hear. We get so accustomed to relating to people a certain way based on our past experiences, and it creates complacency, misunderstanding, dissatisfaction, and conflict. What is asked of us is that we let go of the past and find a new way of being with others in order to find the love and peace that we seek.

Hearing this message made me think of all of the pain and disappointment that I experienced this past year, and I know that recent events have hurt more so because they remind me so much of the painful past. I was feeling like I was going through the same vicious cycle again, slamming my head against a wall that I could have sworn I had broken through already... but I am realizing now that it does not have to be that way again. As the priest had told some young men at a detention camp that he had recently visited, "You are not a slave to your past," so, too, am I not bound by my past, no matter how often it comes back to haunt me. The priest also said something about hope... that it is letting go of the idea of a better past. What is done is done, and there is no sense in trying to change anything that has already come to pass. Hope lies in the future, and it requires a completely new way of being.

One of the hymns that we sang tonight was "Loving and Forgiving" by Scott Soper, which is based on Psalm 103. The refrain is as follows: "Loving and forgiving are you, O Lord; slow to anger, rich in kindness, loving and forgiving are you." In that moment, as I sent my prayers up through the power of song, I realized that not only do I need to forgive those who have hurt me in the past and even now, most of all, I need to forgive myself. I have always carried a heavy yoke of guilt and burden, even when it was not my own to carry in the first place. I know, however, that it is just not necessary nor healthy to burden myself with things beyond my control, and I know it holds me back from so much. Knowing that I have a God who will love and forgive me no matter what... that keeps me going and it gives me strength beyond my comprehension... and I don't need to seek that from anyone else. Forgiveness allows us to move forward, unshackling us from our burdensome past.

Loving oneself unconditionally is often the most difficult thing to do, but it is also the most powerful and freeing experience, and I alone hold that responsibility to my self. Just the same, loving another human being unconditionally is a major endeavor, but one well worth undertaking, and I hope and pray every day that God will keep my heart forever open and willing to love, not in spite of the pain, hurt, loneliness, anger, and rejection, but because of it. Love, trust, peace, understanding, and freedom are what I seek... and I am ready.

Other hymns from tonight that spoke to me:
"Eye Has Not Seen" (Marty Haugen)
"Hosea" (Weston Priory)


P.S. Thank you to all of my earthbound angels, near and far, who have come to my aid when I was most in need of it, delivering messages of trust, hope, understanding, and love, reminding me of my worth, and calling me forth to serve a greater purpose in this world.